Shite Talking with Phil Cooper

cooper shiteIs this man the most useless half-witted newspaper columnist ever?

For the past few months readers of the Bristol Evening Post have been suffering a weekly dose of “Straight Talking with Phil Cooper”. Every week Phil ‘Space’ Cooper splutters out his latest collection of regurgitated Daily Mail bigotries and the kind of clichéd ‘common sense’ dribblings bandied about by semi-literate pub bores. We like to think of Phil as a stupid man’s Richard Littlejohn.

So what exactly qualifies Phil to spout his opinions in a major local newspaper on a weekly basis? Why should any of the 50,000 Post readers or the half million people in the Bristol area give a flying shit what Phil thinks about traffic jams, youth crime, manners or Pete Doherty? Well, his great achievement is being the father of the Post’s favourite injured Iraq veteran, Jamie Cooper.

Jamie (with whom we have absolutely no argument or issue) has been promoted as a local celebrity by the Post since 2006 when he became the youngest soldier to be seriously injured in Iraq at the age of 18. Jamie then received national media attention when his story of bad treatment by the NHS hit the headlines. Since then the Post have featured stories about Jamie as often as possible, usually photographed with ex-squaddie Dad, Phil. Clearly the Post sees Jamie as a local cause célèbre which shifts lots of papers.

So, that is it; Phil has forged minor media career for himself on the back his injured war vet son. Perhaps he is cut out for the media game after all.

Despite making his name campaigning for his teenage son big Phil sure dislikes other children and teenagers. Writing about knife crime Phil laments,

“Long gone is the adage ‘children should be seen and not heard’ . . . We need to encourage youth to be confident but unassertive.”

Silent and unassertive demands Phil, but not too polite,

“Why do the young always assume a familiarity . . . Do they consider it polite to act this way?”

So Phil, we should bring up children to be silent, unassertive and not too familiar. I have no idea why anyone should listen to parenting advice from a man who encouraged his teenage son to join the army to fight in what he himself considers an “illegal conflict.” He tells us,

“The general public knew this was a war about money – or oil, to be more precise. . . It was not about terrorism, nor the overthrow of a dictator. I believe we invaded Iraq to secure a foothold within the Arab states, controlled by a US-friendly government.”

Whilst Phil wants our kids to be brought up silent and unassertive he wants them taught that silence and unassertiveness by sending troops into schools. Lecturing teachers about how to do their jobs and criticising their opposition to military recruiters in schools he asks,

“Why not look to soldiers to help and assist in schools? . . . They [teachers] should welcome troops into schools and encourage children to talk to them . . . They should be applauding our troops for fighting for freedom.”

Fighting for freedom, Phil? But I thought they were fighting for “money or oil”. But then, Phil knows best; what would the teachers know about education?  After all teachers are only in it for themselves.

Are teachers there for our children or for themselves? I think it may actually be the latter.”

“I believe there is truth in the old saying that ‘those who can’t, teach.'”

I get the feeling that there are rather a lot of old sayings Phil believes in.

“These people, who profess to hold opinions on the role of the military, have never done any thing [sic] other than teach in schools.
Tell them to speak to teachers in Bosnia, where British troops helped to rebuild the schools so that children could be educated, where British camps were opened up to the public for shelter during repeated heavy air raids, and where schools were watched over by British troops so that the children could be taught.”

That’s right Phil, the British Army are in Bosnia to build schools. That might make up for all the destroyed schools and dead children the Brits and their allies are responsible for around the Balkans and the rest of the world.

Phil does have a very odd view of the military for an ex-soldier,

The armed forces do not go out to kill.”

What exactly does he think the army have been up to in Iraq?

But perhaps Phil does know a thing or two about education after all. Talking about how to keep kids off the streets and cut youth crime he says,

“I believe school should start at 6am, close at noon, and then reopen at 3pm.”

Yes, Phil. And the cause of that youth crime? Have a guess . . .

“It is because of the politically correct brigade that there is no discipline in schools, that the police cannot manhandle and that parents are frowned upon for smacking their children for wrong-doing.This lily-livered government has let it all get out of hand.”

Haven’t you just been waiting for the “Politically Correct Brigade” to make an entrance? And, quite what Phil’s obsession with “manhandling” and otherwise roughing up kids is about,I don’t know. Back on crime, following a number of muggings by youths on a local cycle path Phil says,

“Abdul Malik, a Lib Dem city councillor living in the area, stated it was local teenagers – and then had the audacity to say that the police should sort it out.

“It is because of namby-pamby Lib Dems like Mr Malik that it has got to this stage in the first place.
He would be the first one berating the police for manhandling one of his local youths if he was visiting a different area within Bristol, shouting to all and sundry about their human rights.
But because it is on his doorstep, he feels the police should step up their game! Well, here’s one for Mr Malik and your constituency. You do it. You police your kids.

“We could send in extra police as suggested but should that be the case, and we have to spend more of my taxes on policing this area, then it is only fair that the council tax for the Easton area be increased.”

So what exactly is Phil’s problem with the people of Easton? Why do they not deserve the “manhandling” services of the police he promotes for the rest of Bristol? Well, Easton happens to be known as an area with large ethnic minority communities including Asians, Somalis and African-Caribbeans. There has been a certain amount of thinly disguised and utterly baseless racism from certain quarters in response to this recent spate of muggings. But, I’m sure Phil wouldn’t be pandering to that.

So, Phil, what can we do about youth crime?

“Not once in my youth was it considered that the knife would be used to hurt, maim or even kill a fellow human being. The knife was a tool, not a weapon.

“The Government is now running advertising campaigns. Teenagers have had an input into the ads, which show knife wounds, and I’m led to believe they are pretty graphic.
Why? It won’t do any good. Kids today see things like that daily anyway.
They will run this ad and then the very next one will be for a video game like Grand Theft Auto, where the object is to maim or kill your opponent. Talk about mixed messages. This government really is clueless.”

Games about killing your opponents? Disgusting; send troops and cops into the schools to manhandle the yobs, pack em off to the Army for a bit of discipline and some “school building” in Iraq. That’ll straighten em out eh, Phil?  Talk about mixed messages . . .

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One Response to “Shite Talking with Phil Cooper”

  1. Recycled Snow-Balls « Bristol Evening Post Watch Says:

    […] so bad it looks like they’ve begun taking inspiration from each other. But hey, at least old Phil ‘Space’ Cooper’s no longer about to recycle the bullshit all over […]

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